baby alchemy

peanut with a heartbeat

we went in for a second ultrasound a week ago monday. after mc#2, apparently my system was all off b/c we were behind on dates by 11 days, so when we went to see doc thinking we were already 7 1/2 weeks but only measured 5 weeks 5 days, we had to go back to make sure.

when we returned monday, we saw a healthy peanut with a heartbeat measuring right where she should. our first truly positive ultrasound EVER. this was number 7. not to go all negative since this is meant to be a positive post, but here is our ultrasound history from june '09-now.

1- 8 1/2 weeks showed embryo measuring 7 weeks 5 days with no heartbeat. probably the most devastating moment of my life.

2- follow up after mc #1.

3- 8 1/2 weeks into pregnancy #2 revealed a gestational sac but nothing else. had no idea that could even happen.

4- one day later just to confirm possible blighted ovum.

5- 2 weeks later to make absolutely sure it wasn't misdiagnosed.

6- 5 weeks 5 days into pregnancy #3 showed a yolk sac and a heartbeat. encouraging, though not out of the woods.

7- a week and a half later showed our peanut right on track. she looks more like a blob really, as you can see, but she is viable, which is the excellent part. we'll go back in four weeks to check progress. we're down to a 5% risk of loss at this point, which i am holding on to.

i feel terribly nauseous 24/7. it started right around week 6 and is now picking up in intensity. my former love of vegetables has now turned to repulsion. i'm hoping it's temporary. poor hubby is not eating well either since i tend to be the one who cooks. we will both be looking forward to T2!

we've decided to share the news early this time to seek out good baby vibes from friends and family. so far so good. i have felt unbelievably loved for the last month.

hopeful and peaceful

yesterday we met our baby.  we thought i was around 7 weeks, though baby showed us otherwise.  b/c i had a negative HPT on new year's day, i knew timing was off somehow.  we are at about 6 weeks now, in reality.  we saw a nice, round yolk sac and a fluttering heartbeat.  though doc says this is a guarded pregnancy b/c dates are off, i know things happened later than we thought, so i am hopeful and optimistic.  we'll go back for another ultrasound in 9 days.  i am at peace and look forward to being a momma this time.

anxious

8 days ago was the positive test.  tomorrow i will be at 7 weeks.  i have generally done pretty well with not feeling totally anxious and paranoid until today.  thursday we have our first ob appointment.  i am terrified and unbelievably scared that we will see a little bean and no heartbeat (mc #1), a gestational sac and nothing else (mc #2), or some new horrible situation we've not yet experienced, like an ectopic pregnancy or something else.

how do i not feel anxious about this?  how can i be at peace?

we have told our families and co-workers in hopes that some extra positive vibes will come our way and help this one stick.  sharing in their energy has been great.  everyone has been super supportive.  but i am still terrified.

i hope to have good news to post on thursday.

bfp today

my boobs are sore and i have been sleeping pretty crappily for the last several days.  i took a test on new year's day and it was negative, so i assumed that was really the case.  timing must be off somehow.  today's test was positive!

cautious optimism and great fear that heartbreak will come again.  hopeful it won't this time around. 

m----r f----r

i can't help but think of MF when i see MTHFR, my newly diagnosed gene mutation.  i never thought i'd be in the "i have a gene mutation" club, or the miscarriage club, for that matter.  i am lucky enough to be in the exclusive homogenous club with 2 C copies.  check this out for a good explanation.  the gist is that this pesky little gene mutation can make the absorption of folic acid difficult and some say, can cause miscarriages.  though mc #2, the blighted ovum, was just bad luck apparently, MTHFR may have been responsible for miscarriage #1.

i am now the proud owner of a $37 bottle of special prescription vitamins (not covered by insurance) and baby aspirin.  thank you, healthlink!

fingers crossed that #3 sticks whenever that time comes.

i'm not pregnant, but everyone else is

i can't think of at least ten people right now who are pregnant.  people i went to school with, former clients, people with whom i teach, my SIL.  it seems like people are coming out of the woodwork and i just sink further and further into a funk.  i don't know if it's b/c i have spent a good amount of time at home in the last week, giving me too much time to spend inside my own head or what, but i am not in a happy place.  i don't want to be so sad and miserable and jealous, but seriously, everyone else is pregnant but me.  i don't want to feel all poor me, but it's kind of hard not to.

this sucks a-s.  i'm getting to the point where if this continues, i think i need to talk to someone professionally.  go for more acupuncture.  whatever fixes for my broken self i can think of.

we're approaching the due date for baby #1.  it was january twentysomething.  i can't remember the exact date.  i don't know if i want to remember it or now.  it would be easy enough to figure out if i decided i wanted to somehow memorialize the day.  or maybe i don't.

new year

2010 just arrived.  i am at once still healing and now entering the emotional roller coaster process of trying to conceive again.  we start 2010 with a negative.  maybe that's a good thing.  it's still only been less than two months since miscarriage number 2.  that gives my body and mind more time to heal.

i haven't cried since christmas, though that was a doozy.  after bawling in a spare bedroom at my parents' house for an hour or so, i was finally able to talk with my brother and SIL and tell them everything i was feeling and why i hadn't been able to yet say "congratulations" to them.  it was cathartic.  they held my hands while i quickly sobbed/spewedwords/moved on, which was really sweet.

a couple of days ago i went in for blood work.  the repetitive miscarriage panel.  6 tubes of blood.  we'll see if that reveals any explanations or if we just have bad baby-making luck.

i try to put on a happy face...

but inside i am broken.  i just want to curl up into a ball and sob my eyes out until there is nothing left.  actually, i don't really want that.  what i want, is not to feel like i need to curl up and sob.  the last week or two has been awful.  i can't focus.  i am super grumpy.  i don't really want to talk to anyone.  i am trying to figure out how to go away and not bother anyone with having to be around me for christmas.  because i know i am not pleasant to be around lately.  i am tired of crying.  i am tired of being fearful of getting pregnant again which just makes me not want to bother at all, on one hand.  on the other hand, i want kids more than ever, which makes this that much more painful.  and everywhere i turn, someone new has a healthy pregnancy.  it sounds so cliche.  literally everywhere i turn.  blahblahblah.  that's what happens when one hits 30, i suppose.  people you know have babies.  and some people don't.  that would be us.

it sucks to think of each week or month as oh, with failed pregnancy #1 i would have been this far along.  my belly would have been this big.  with not-to-be pregnancy#2...

catharsis

after the initial shock of seeing an ultrasound monitor with nothing but an empty gestational sac when i was so convinced to the core of my being that this, it, would be a successful pregnancy, we waited a couple of weeks to make sure nothing changed.  i didn't want to have false hope, but i also didn't want to make a brash decision.  nothing changed, so we opted for a d&c to have closure and to be able to run chromosomal testing on the tissue.  plain old blood tests, we were told, would likely not be covered by insurance and would be really expensive.  i won't step up on my insurance soapbox.

the day after we made the appointment for the d&c i had a meltdown at school.  i thought i was ok but when i got there, i lost it.  other than that, except for a few minor bouts of tears, i have been doing mostly ok.  i went back to school the day after the procedure and have been mostly focused on my students, which has been helpful...

until i found out my mom is planning a baby shower for my SIL.  i'm not sure why that was so traumatic for me, except that her entire pregnancy has been as it was announced only two weeks after miscarriage number 1.  when we found out about pregnancy #2, i was happy that i would be part of that club again and that my jealosy would go away.  when pregnancy #2 ended, i was back in the land of wanting to pretend that they don't exist.  i know it's not fair and i don't really like to admit that i feel that way, but i do.  i am glad for them, but can't help but feel jealous.  i am the oldest.  i got pregnant first.  i would have been due in january.  it should have been my shower that my mom was planning.  not that i think she shouldn't have one or even that my mom shouldn't plan it.  i just wish that i could have been the one to make my mom a grandma.

so i cried.  and cried.  and cried.  and buried my face in the pillow and couldn't breathe and made ridiculous crying noises that probably sounded like a dying hyena and wondered if my nasal passage would ever open again.  or if my eyes would ever return to their non-puffy state.  it did.  they did.

i don't know that i have ever cried so hard and for so long in my life, but i suppose i needed to. 

release and keep going.

without words

to speak.  i'm going to try to write them.  we'll see how it goes.

after a week or so of grieving, i was struck by a new sense of hope and the reminder that my intuition still told me somehow this pregnancy would work out.  well, fuck intuition.  after a follow-up ultrasound yesterday, that hope was diminished.

tomorrow i go in for a d&c.  i'm not happy about that, but at the same time, i want to move on.  i have no reason to be hopeful and wait it out at this point.  the physical pain of miscarriage #1, though brief, was excruciating.  much like labor, i'm guessing, except at the end you are left with none of the happiness, only relief that at least you don't have to still get a d&c because what needs to be gone is now gone.

one day i hope we actually have a good ultrasound, b/c in the last 6 months, we've had five really awful ones.  not sure how much more we can take.  i might need a sedative next time.  i can't remember the last time i got drunk, but when i couldn't manage to keep myself together at school today, the thought of picking up a bottle of wine on the way home did cross my mind.  no, i didn't get one.  no, i won't either.

i realize there are people who go through this many more times than twice.  somehow they find it in their hearts to keep going.  that makes me feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself after two mcs.  at the same time, there are plenty of people who never go through this, so i don't need to feel guilty at all that i am sad about having lost two babies this year.  especially since we don't have any yet.  what kind of track record is that?  babies zero.  miscarriage 2.

my next batch of hope will come from the realization that at least 2009 is almost over.  new year, fresh start?